Ayahuasca
Conclusion
Last time Jane was with
me visiting Bar in the Fortress we were watching a video on a
computer screen, Apocalypse Now, Bar wasting badly in his
wheelchair, his head shaved to rid himself of lice, his legs so
swollen he wrapped his feet in black plastic garbage bags because he
couldn't wear shoes, the smell of him impossible for others to cope
with unless all the windows and doors in the warehouse were full open
and fans were blowing. Bar must have weighed 400 pounds, all of him
covered in dirt and a grey track suit. He'd been a handsome man most
of his life, but time and impending death spoiled all that, at least
on the outside. His voice was still commanding and mellifluous, his
smile still winning, his sparkling blue eyes still shiny and happy
most times. We watched the movie and ate pizza and Bar guzzled
whiskey from the bottle. Jane tapped her feet in time to music from
the show. “Oh, Susie Q.”
In our own private diner
we could do as we pleased, and I told Bar to rerun the movie scene
and got Jane on the ten foot long bench top and we watched her as
Credence Clearwater Revival pounded out music while Playboy bunnies
danced on stage in the jungle before hundreds of horny soldiers
locked in Viet Nam. Jane got up on the table and danced a-go-go,
while we looked up, clapping and cheering her on, Jane's long legs
pumping and her back slipping and her hips gyrating, go-go, her long
hair flying wild in the back-lights, the cardboard pizza box
vibrating off the table and onto the floor, Jane's shoes joining
them, Jane aflame, Bar in bliss. “Oh, Susie Q, tell me you'll be
true, Susie Q.” Rock and roll your soul till you die alone in the
dark while your friends are fucking. Who needs you?
Madness, pain, and
hatred. The world of others provides it all. Who needs friends when
one can lay in the dark alone and screw?
Jane and I went to all
the finer Salvation Army Thrift Shops to dress us up real fine for
Bar's memorial service at the ethnic place his kids from out of town
rented. Only once did I have to slam a clerk's face into the
dressingroom wall because the kid kept trying to sneak peeks through
the crack. Jane looked sharp when she was dressed up, a light brown
suede blazer, a cream coloured satin blouse, and black wool slacks
with shiny black leather shoes. I got her a necklace for a quarter,
and she stepped out looking like a movie star. I out-did her
altogether cause I got a better sense of style, me in a knee-length
grey cashmere coat, black wool blazer, white shirt and red tie, grey
slacks, and my favourite alligator skin cowboy boots. I topped it off
with a black, broad-brimmed Kosuth hat on sale. Bar was our friend,
and we dressed up good to send him off.
Bar's son presided as he
stood before all of Bar's old friends. The man stood before us
dressed in track pants and a dirty tee shirt, his braless older
sister beside him, she being stuffed into a black polyester tube,
dark spots on her legs where she'd hurt herself shaving. Jane and I
were aglow till Jerry walked in from work, still wearing his usual
one of a dozen $5,000.00 business suits. Why even try when your
friends make you look like shit without even trying?
I laid alone in the dark
in a fairy castle house of concrete and woven banana leaves on jungle
sticks, alone in the dark on a mat as Claire laid alone in the dark
beside me singing. She sang “La La La La La,” and I told her I
would rather listen to the radio and be alone in the dark by myself
without her.
I didn't want any friends
as I laid alone in the dark and drank. I wanted to be alone.
Alone in the dark by
myself with Claire beside me quietly weeping I closed my eyes –
for a moment only, nothing more – and there I saw Bar and he spoke
to me. I saw him, his lips moving, his mustache soaked in drool, he
spoke to me. “Who needs your friendship when you can sit alone in
the dark beside a sobbing woman and drink ayahuasca?” I rose from
my mat and sat alone in the jungle and smoked mapacho in the night.
“And you don't even think about her.”
***
They sit alone in a group
and listen as he talks, his voice like violets and roses and leather
and blood. He speaks and the room fills with golden sunlight and they
are filled with memories made real of love and passion and power and
someone who loved them once. He talks and they gaze at him in wonder
for he is wise and gentle and kind and his words fill the air like
dancing rainbows. Every little gesture, his smile, his eyes, he
leaves them in awe and desire to be with him forever, the way he
smooths his pant leg with his palm, the sheen of his hair, his clear
and lovely eyes. He knows, and they love him.
Though he has been on of
life's perpetual losers, each failure astounds him, and thus he
carries on in faith, knowing his destiny is grand and he must suffer
till he rises to the heights.
He walks past the
fortress in the night, huddled against the freezing rain, and he
stops momentarily to look in at Jane and Bar and me as we live our
little lives alone. I see him clearly and I know he is the man. He is
coming, Son of Mother Ayahuasca. He will come to offer healing of my
psychic fucking pains.
Jane dances a-go-go on
the table like sex on a roll, and he turns away grinning and
disappears into the night.
***
Jane
and I exit the hall hand in hand and step into the cold air of a
Spring day, the hemlock trees solid and leafless rooted in hard
ground, the grass a'greening again, brown for now but turning. At home
we get into bed in the dark and four cold hands reach out to
strangers, touching.
Should
I wash away my psychic pains in jungle drugs and feel whole and
healed? Should I go harmonious into the cosmos attuned? Should I lay
aside my hates and rage for horrors done? Men in the world hurt. We
are small. I look deep into the endless empty skies and see the gods
that hate us. Wounded? I laugh. Healing ayahuasca? The man is grand
who sits so still alone in his own pain, his rotting body, his hand
grasping in the dormant gap. We don't need others to heal or hurt; we
harm ourselves just fine. Who needs healing when we can die alone in
the dark?
Confessions of an Ayahuasca Skeptic
Here is a link to my other book on Iquitos.
http://www.amazon.com/Iquitos-Peru-D-W-Walker/dp/098776151X