Thursday, August 18, 2005

Like, "pomomusing," you know.

Are you a Presbyterian pastor at a loss to explain (or understand) postmodernism? Below is your guide to total coolness. You will be able to impress teenage girls with your brilliance, and you might even get lucky with some of them, in a spiritual sense.

Some Presbyterian ministers like to refer to this kind of thing "pomomusings." Just ask a theology student like Who Ever: A Christ following, book reading, Subaru driving, Mac loving, beer drinking Princeton Theological Seminary student...but we feel it's better to master these steps first and leave that deconstructed phrasing to the experts:

A Post-Modernist De Gustibus

Professor Mark McIntire, SBCC

Welcome to the Wonderful, Wide, World of Post-modernism! We finally made it. As post-modernists, we finally figured it all out: Nothing is Real. Nothing is True. Nothing is Good. And, nothing is Beautiful. Unless, of course you think it is. And we're not quite sure about that either. Or are we? Relax. Have some marijuana. Have some cocaine. Have an abortion. Buy a Lexus. Put a crucifix in a bottle of piss. Go to Hawaii. Invite your friends. Have an orgy. If it feels good, then it is good. There is no reality, truth, goodness or beauty. These are merely thoughts. We are all just organisms that 'react' to 'stimuli'. Your reaction is just as sound as anyone else's. Have some more marijuan

Remain calm. Don't get excited. Wear Birkenstocks.

Above all don't have thoughts. Have feelings. Thoughts are confusing and filled with difficulty. Why be confused with difficulties? It will make you feel bad. Don't you want to feel good? Then, don't think, just feel. Do you feel tired? Then stay home. Relax. Have some cocaine. You'll feel better.

Remain calm. Have sex with a stranger. Drive a Volvo station-wagon. Put lots of bumper-stickers on it to express what you feel. Have a candle-light vigil for something.

If you're a man, then become a woman. If you're a woman, then become a man. Then you'll understand that there are no men and there are no women. We're all just 'persons'. We're all the same. We have no differences. Logic is a coercive and repressive pack of lies. Be diverse. Differences are the result of thoughts, and thoughts are confusing and difficult. You don't want to be confused with difficulties do you? Have some LSD. Try this pill. Everything is simple. Listen to some Rap.

Remain calm. Get in touch with your feelings. Tell a lie. After all, if it's true to you, then it is true, but just to you. Be vague. Better yet, be ambiguous.

It's not your fault. You're just reacting to stimuli. Nothing you do, or did, is ever bad or good for that matter. It's all these stimuli that make you feel that you've been bad or good. Multinational corporations stimulate you to feel good or bad. It's not your fault. It's all these swirling stimuli. So, just change the stimuli. Have a drink. Have another. Invite your friends. Be diverse. Read Newsweek or Time. Look at the pictures. Hallucinate. Vote for Hillary.

Above all, remain calm. Bash a corporation. Bash them all. Defend Michael Jackson.
Do you feel there are some nasty people in other countries trying to kill you? Relax. Have some X. There are no countries. There are no nasty people. There are no patriots or terrorists. There are no national allegiances, just disturbing and confusing thoughts about allegiances. These are just 'reactive' thoughts you are having to some 'stimuli'. How did the stimuli get there? No one knows. More importantly, no one can ever know, thanks to post-modernism. It's like asking " Who painted the roses red?" No one did. They are just 'red'. It's all just the result of being stimulated. What 'roses'? What 'red'? And, what is 'is' by the way?

Remain calm. Don't think. You'll only confuse yourself. Blame the corporations. Marry your cat.

But stimulated by what? Does not 'stimulated' imply something that stimulates? And if there is something that stimulates, then that something must be real? And if that something that stimulates is real, then might it be knowable? And if it is knowable, then might it be good or bad. And if it could be good or bad, then might it actually be beautiful or ugly?

Have some morphine. Remain calm. Hallucinate. Watch Oprah Winfrey.

Oh, there you go, thinking again. Having thoughts will only confuse you and fill you with difficulties. Worse still would be for you to take those thoughts and formulate an 'argument' An 'argument' is a whole mess of thoughts that will really confuse you if you try to understand it. Now, you might compile a 'bibliography' of books and articles that you have never read. A bibliography is a whole mess of'stimuli' that confused other people with difficulties. And, you might offer that in place of an argument, because then you would not have to have a thought, let alone an argument. And, everyone would be stimulated to like you because you are a brilliant post-modernist thinker. So, have some more drugs. Relax. Nothing is Real. Nothing is True. Nothing is Good. And, certainly nothing is beautiful.

How are you feeling now? Better?

But there's just one thing that vexes me. If these brilliant post-modernists have figured it all out, then just exactly how did they figure it all out if, as they claim, nothing is real, true, good or beautiful (note no only concession to post-modernism)?

Oh! You're hopeless! It's the evil corporations. De gustibus non disputandum est. ("In matters of feelings, there is no real dispute.")1.

---Mark McIntire
October 1, 2003


Anonymous said...

does anybody actually read this blog? i mean, other than myself, that just read it a little bit enough to know not to read any more, and that one other person that's commented.....

good luck annihilating Islam. this unread blog looks like it's making a little dent. keep up the fight bro.


joel said...

i concur with zach. First, your posts are too long. Second, it's obvious that you aren't the author of a majority of them because after reading your response on pomomusings, you are quite inarticulate. And third, i happen to have numerous Jewish friends who would deem the greatest thing about Judaism is its cultural relevance: its very ability to embrace ambiguity, as you called it. ANd the mere fact that you would call upon an existentialist to rationalize the absurd is attribute to your ability to recognize it. Because this website and your continued banality is quite absurd. however, i love disparity and the polemic, so by no means stop, just use your own words and in that, speak clearly.

Anonymous said...

Too much on your plate. I followed your link from Dhimmi watch, and am dismayed.

You see I'm one of those post modernist, transsexual lesbian, existentialist, feel good, relativists....but I'm also anti Dhimmitude and anti Jihad, perhaps precisely because I'm a post modernist, transsexual lesbian, existentialist, feel good relativist.

Perhaps, unlike my fellow travelers I know with no doubt that there is no room for me and my ilk, in the Muslim world, but I know without a doubt that there is no room for me and my ilk in your "conservative" world.

And here is the kicker, set aside the Dhimmi/Jihad stuff and there is not a dimes worth of difference between you and the Muslim you hate... not a dimes worth of difference.

your rant could just as easily have been written by a devout muslim, in fact devout muslims write the same rants that you write on other forums, where they have the same complaints about modernity, and the post modern world as do "Christian (and non Christian) conservative Americans.

There are echos of Bin Ladens rants in your rants.. and echos of your rants in Bin Ladens..

You didn't know that did you, you can't see it either

Dag said...

I never did bother responding to the kids who didn't figure out that the philosophy prof. whose work I post above here isn't me. What can I say?

I love the essay he wrote, and I hope this time round it'll find a more appreciative audience. If not, don't blame me, I didn't write it! Honestly, it's written by the guy whose name is on it.