Sunday, August 14, 2005

Out. Out Damned Spot.

In the most recent issue of the New England Journal of Medicine researchers reveal that Presbyterians are showing up in unprecedented numbers at doctors offices, medical clinics and emergency wards for treatment of seemingly inexplicable outbreaks of "spots."

In the Journal article one minister from Pennsylvania, who wishes to remain unidentified, said of his condition: "It started as a spot on my hand, and I couldn't get it off. I first noticed it while sitting on a parkbench where I was telling the world about the Evil Zionist Entity. I looked down, and there was the spot. I rubbed and rubbed, but it wouldn't come off. Gradually it began to spread."

"It was then I began to notice others in my congregation were wearing gloves, even in the heat of mid-summer. I inquired discreetly if they might be suffering, you know, 'spots?'"

Medical experts are baffled by the outbreak. One surgeon from Walter Reed Hospital said he had seen a similar outbreak, though on a smaller scale, while serving in Poland in the aftermath of WWII, but, he said, he had never seen so many cases as reported now among American Protestants, particularly among Presbyterians.

"I've tried almost everything I can think of to get the spots off," complained the minister from Pennsylvania. "I even tried Dhimmiwash. In fact, I ate the stuff straight out of the box. It made no real difference: I'm still slimy on the inside, and the spots are spreading. As you can see, my hands have gone from spotty to dripping bloody red."

When asked what advice he's gotten, the minister said: "One Right-wing religious bigot recommended prayer! Well, sophisticated people all know that God is so absent that there's no point in disturbing Her if we could. What, then, is the point? I mean, really?"

In a poll conducted by ND Times it was found that ill-tempered atheists voted 100 per cent in favor of the suggestion that Presbyterians suffering from the "Spots" malady should commit suicide.

"They're all a lot of bloody tossers," said one ill-tempered atheist/medical expert we spoke to. Summing up the general consensus he said: "Fook 'em."

No one, it appears, knows the cause of this outbreak. Medical experts hint that it might not be biologically based at all, but pharmaceutical companies are working overtime to find a new sedative to dampen the psychological effects of the sufferers.

"It's not really painful," admitted one Presbyterian minister from Pennsylvania. "but it looks so bad that we're afraid to show ourselves in public any more. People take one look at our hands, and they flee in horror."

"This attack has been cause of a lot of soul-searching among those of us in the ministry," said one Presbyterian named Drew, who wishes to remain as anonymous as possible. "We rapped about having a jazz vespers holiness meeting but the committee rejected it on the grounds that jazz in our church is a form of cultural expropriation. Instead, we've had a faith-based healing circle in which we had Elders from the Native Community come to introduce us to the Great Spirit Mother of the Ancestors who might guide us toward a higher understanding of these damned spots. We're giving some serious thought to Wicca rituals next."

Toward the end of the interview the minister leaned forward and whispered: "If all else fails we're going to blame it on the Joooos. The Joooos."

Suddenly, throughout the hospital corridor, the air was filled with a low and gutteral chant: "The Jooos! The Jooos!"

No comments: