Monday, June 16, 2008

Thanks to CGW: Milking the System

A long while ago Truepeers asked me to define "fascism." I use the term too often, it seem, without defining what I mean by it. I went to the library with Charles and got loads of books, and I've gone through my own books, and I've got more books since, all in the effort to define the term properly, according to my abilities. I'm not done yet, though I've got roughly 100 pages of cramped long-hand per page, none of that wasted space with margins and such. I'm still at it. Will post more regularly once I finish. Meanwhile, here's all about cows, thanks to CGW.

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbra Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


TALIBANCORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow has split-personality disorder.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is
the best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are il legals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

http://somehavehats.typepad.com/some_have_hats/2008/06/an-old-joke-lea.html

7 comments:

truepeers said...

British Columbia corporation

You have two cows;
they eat a lot of grass
The "UN" buy them for big money
Walk them across the border
And sell the milk to California cancer patients as organic hash oil.

Dag said...

That is the best comment I have ever seen anywhere!

Dag said...

In East Vancouver they have two cows. She runs for office as a socialist candidate and wins. She milks the pubic for decades. They moo.

reliable sources said...

She is having a barbeque for her constituents on Sunday, July 13, 1-4 p.m. in MacLean Park at Keefer and Heatley.

dag, I hope you go through with your plans to get a neighborhood grant to hold a barbeque. If she can do it, why can't you? Mooooo.

CGW said...

No hat tip?

Dag said...

Live no longer in obscure anomymity. You are forever known as one who contributed one of the best pieces I've ever run here. It's certain to get you a fatwah or two, maybe the old thinwah, a Deathwah, and then there's my favorite, the Dag Wah!

Many thanks for this piece above and for all the other tips (and so on) from you.

CGW said...

I'll take the Dag Wah! (I already have a few.)